Do these words make you want to throw up...but you feel lonely most days?
Have you ever or are you currently struggling with the fears of intimacy?
It looks something like this...
You meet someone, start spending more and more time together and somewhere along with way you find yourself consumed with fears of commitment while struggling with the big question of...
Should I stay or leave before it gets too serious?
This struggle continues until you have ultimately sabotaged the relationship due to your lack of sharing yourself and commitment to the relationship.
Ultimately, the thoughts of getting into and/or maintaining a deep intimate committed relationship scare the shit out of you!
Some of you are already running aren’t you? Just by saying the words:
DEEP. INTIMATE. COMMITTED.
Years ago, I dated a wonderful man who has it all going for him. He was handsome, talented, a great dad, a school teacher and coach, a great role model and positive influence in his community. A person who was truly loved and appreciated by all who know him.
I adore him even still.
And yet to this day, some 15 years later, he is still one of the most eligible bachelors I know...with one catch:
He only seems to take intimate relationships so far before his fears of intimacy and commitment become emotionally crippling.
His past experiences of love and relationships begin to haunt him until he feels in control once again…aka he's single.
I know firsthand how fears can surface and wreak havoc with our intimate relationships, especially when we have survived a difficult break-up.
All the “WHAT IF” questions flood our minds and take over…
- What if I am choosing the wrong person…again?
- What if they only love me for my money or what I can provide and not really me?
- What if this relationship keeps me for doing what I really want to do?
- What if I get into the wrong relationship, and then the right one comes along?
- What if they only want me for sex?
- What if my heart gets broken again?
After the exhaustion over takes us from spinning these questions around and around in our minds, we come to the conclusion it is just easier to forget the whole thing.
Until we get lonely again AND we hit the repeat button thinking the next person will make all the difference somehow.
The challenge for not only my old boyfriend, but for all of us, is we have got to stop letting our fears of the past run and ruin our relationship show.
“When our fears are running the show we choose to end our relationships because of the possibilities of something happening and going wrong, not because something is happening and going wrong.”
What about you?
Do you find yourself running from the sound of "I LOVE YOU" but you feel lonely?
Have you met someone your crazy about but you’re careful not get to close?
Or are you currently in a relationship and feel consumed with panic and anxiety?
The only way our fears can keep us from deep intimate committed relationships is by letting them be the boss.
They become the boss for so many of us because we don’t know how to experience our fears while practicing something different…
Feel the fear yes, but letting it determine whether you have a relationship is NOT so good.
As Elizabeth Gilbert says in her book Big Magic:
To help you out, here is what I am going to do…
For my next several blog posts I will teach you a practice for keeping your fears in the backseat where they belong.
At Lease On Love, we call this practice CPT.
CPT is an effective remedy for not letting your fears of intimacy and commitment run and ruin your relationship show. And it is simple and easy to do with a little practice.
CPT is kind of like CPR in that both remedies will revive you and bring you back to life!
Instead of saying, “OH NO” to deep, intimate, committed relationships,
you will be saying, “ OH YES, I GOT THIS!”
For now…get ready for next week by taking the quiz to find out how commitment phobic your really are.
You know, I am just thinking, I should send this to my old boyfriend…what do you think?
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Most of us do not believe that it is ok to ask for what we truly need and want to be happy. That is selfish, right?!
I am gonna need to push the "WRONG button" on this one.
Furthermore, I am gonna bet very few of us have ever been taught HOW to ask for what we want in the most effective way possible.
I can see your face with a blank stare…
Believe it or not, knowing how to ask in a way that works is a skill. And a good one to know and use, especially if you're dating after divorce.
In April of 2015 I found myself sobbing tears of uncontrollable emotions that caused my shoulders to shake. Sitting next to me was an empty box of Kleenex and all my used tissues.
The culprit of my outburst was Diane Sawyer’s interview of Bruce Jenner when he finally confessed to the world…on camera I might add…that he was a transgender.
I watched as he gently shared his painful, yet triumphant journey of mustering the courage to accept himself as the person he always believed himself to be along with giving himself the permission to finally express it out in the open.
Regardless of how you might feel about his choice…you have got to admit that took a TON of COURAGE!
“She is not my friend!” announced my 3-year-old granddaughter as I put her into my car.
I must admit, I was a bit confused myself at her outburst of clarity and conviction.
See, I had just watched her play with what I thought to be a newfound playmate for over an hour in the McDonalds play land.
As she climbed into her carseat, I had to ask, "How do you know she is not your friend?"
Her reply was simply, “Cause I didn’t feel good when I was playing with her, I just felt icky.”
Now, I need to mention, that besides the conviction in her voice, there was no emotional upset whatsoever.
As I was going through some old letters a few days ago, I came across a letter I wrote to a past partner years ago. It reminded me of the heartbreak that can sometimes come with love as well as the personal growth it can demand out of us.
I feel so far away from the one that I use to be so connected to!
I wonder and ponder the questions in my mind endlessly
Has our time together come to an end?
Is it not possible to make it last forever?
Is it possible to re-embrace the feeling of being totally into you in the future?
Have the gifts given between us come to an end? Do I need to face living on my own again?