Most of us do not believe that it is ok to ask for what we truly need and want to be happy. That is selfish, right?!
I am gonna need to push the "WRONG button" on this one.
Furthermore, I am gonna bet very few of us have ever been taught HOW to ask for what we want in the most effective way possible.
I can see your face with a blank stare…
Believe it or not, knowing how to ask in a way that works is a skill. And a good one to know and use, especially if you're dating after divorce.
Remember back when you were 4-years-old? Back when you had no problem asking…correction.. demanding what it was you wanted?
You were SO committed to getting what you truly wanted that if you didn’t get it, you would throw a huge fit. At a minimum, you would whine for a few minutes.
I was in a Kmart years ago with my own 4-year-old who wanted a toy batman deeply. When I told him, "no, not today," he screamed "SHIT mommy!" (I am sure because that is my favorite swear word of all time.)
As soon as he saw my embarrassed reaction, he realized that he was onto something, and proceeded to shout it louder and louder, repeatedly! I ended up ditching my cart at the customer service counter and leaving the store empty-handed as I hauled my son out to the car. All the way home, it kept going. "Shit mommy, shit mommy!"
Heck, lets be honest. How many of us adults still use the communication skills of 4-year-olds to get what we want sometimes?
Unfortunately for most of us, the overall training/feedback we received when asking for what we truly desired was some version of:
- "Stop behaving that way, it is not ok!”
- “You don’t just get everything that you want!”
- “You are acting like a spoiled brat!”
Oh, and the tone of those words! When you're four, it is downright scary!
Think about it...
When opportunities come up for learning, did we hear, “Don’t ask like that. Ask like this instead. Now let’s practice.”
This leaves most of us still asking for our desires to be met with the skills of a 4-year-old NOW even though we are all grown up.
We shouldn’t blame ourselves for this. Because our love skills and how we relate to others are mainly learned through modeling, and there are (pitifully) few good models around as demonstrators for us.
When you don’t speak up, you can’t show up. And unfortunately for our relationships, not showing up doesn’t ever gives us what we truly desire!!
Learning how to ask for what we truly want in a way that works has other benefits too:
- When we allow ourselves to really ask for the life we truly desire, the outcome at times becomes unimportant to us, and we become open to other possibilities.
- We validate ourselves by sending ourselves the message, “It is ok to be me, and want what I want, and need what I need."
- The people you love gain an inside view into who you are, and what truly makes your heart sing.
Receive a 6-step guide on how to ask for what you want in a way that works…(not like a 4-year-old).
Great relationships are created with skills, not luck. Here are a few other skills to be aware of that you just may be using like a 4-year-old:
- Resolving upset and conflict
- Speaking your personal truth
- Compassion and empathy
- Creating connection and intimacy
It is reassuring to us all to remember…the skills for becoming better lovers are readily available, and it is never too late to learn and practice them.
Get started NOW by learning how to ASK and let’s get making some LOVE!
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