Are You Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places?

Follow these two steps to find love naturally. 

Jackie had been single and dating for more than 6 years when she said to me, “I am tired. I am giving up on this whole dating thing. I am STILL lonely, frustrated, and all used up. I am more insecure now than I have ever been. I am done!

I asked her to share with me what her thoughts and intentions for dating were.

Jackie spun around in her chair and boldly asked, “What do you mean? Of course, I want to fall in love, I want to find someone to spend my life with!

I replied with, “What I mean is, when you are getting ready for a date, what are you thinking about? What are you doing and what are you envisioning happening on your date?”  

She replied, “Well, I review my list of everything that I want in a man so I can watch for it when we meet. I rehearse in my mind a thousand times what I am going to share and not share about me, my family, and my past. You know…what would be appropriate for a first date. Leading up to the date, I make sure that I wait at least 20-30 minutes before I reply to each of his texts, you know, I don’t want to sound too needy and too interested!”

“I usually purchase a new outfit so I can look really great. And inevitably right before the date, I get really worked up emotionally…worrying that the person will not show up and leave me sitting in the coffee shop or restaurant all alone, or that I will say or do something that will scare him off. I must do something every time…because 6 years later…I am still single,” she woefully told me.

“Are you going on a date, or prepping for a spy interrogation?” I teased.

Sometimes it is great to take a break from dating, but let's try this first...

Discover how Jackie created connection with anyone, anytime using our guide.

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“I give you full support to stop dating if this is what you feel you need to do…but will you try something before you do? I think it might really help you,” I asked her. 

Jackie reluctantly replied with, “Okay…”

I suggested, “Next weekend, instead of going on a date, I want you to take yourself on a date. Go to your favorite place, and engage with the people around you. Forget about everything else. I know what you’re thinking…alone?! The answer is yes, preferably, but you can take a friend if you need to.”

The following week, Jackie came back beaming with sparkle as she told me about her date.

“I decided I would be brave on Friday night, and I got dressed up and headed down to my favorite wine bar ALONE!  I ordered a glass of my favorite wine and not long after, an older man sat down next to me and said ‘hello.’ As I looked at him, I was a bit disappointed because he was not someone that I would date or even really talk to typically. But I remembered what you said about forgetting about all of that, so I did.  And you know what?” she told me.

“He was such a great guy! We laughed and talked and then his friend showed up and joined the conversation. Next thing you know, the bartender is cracking jokes and introducing us to some of his friends at the wine bar. It was really great Stace, I have not had that much fun in a really long time. I came away feeling so good. In fact, one of the people I met is part of an incredible hiking club and asked me to come along next week. He said he would introduce me to the people in the group. I can’t wait!”

Jackie experienced a letting go of all of her judgments of “should” and simply allowed herself to connect with others.

“I should be like this, I should do it like that, I shouldn’t text back, I should talk like this. He should not be like that, he should say it like this, he should have done it this way…”

“Should” is judgment in ACTION!

“Should” takes all of the joy out of living…and in Jackie’s case, the joy out of dating!

 We do the same thing when we are already in a committed relationship…the judgment of “should” takes over and leaves us no space for human connection.


What if you instead try to think of dating like this:

  1. Remember that we ALL are on this path together to find and experience love, so let’s act like it! When we are on a date, let’s help each other get there. Like the guy did for Jackie when he invited her to be part of the hiking group to introduce her to others and have some fun. It wasn’t a love connection for them, but he was willing to help her along the way.

  2. Be aware of how we judge and scrutinize one another, size them up, or pick them apart. We don’t realize that in the process of judgment, we are picking ourselves apart. Why? Because to judge, we have to have someone to compare them to, and that someone is usually YOU! It sounds like:
         “Oh, I would never.”
         “Oh, this is just not right.”
         “Oh, I am too (smart, rich, better looking) for them.”
         “They’re stupid because I am smart…”
    See how that works?

It also swings the other way. “Oh I am not enough. They are (smarter, richer, more good looking) than me.”

Judging others is a set up for the shredding of ourselves.  

Dating these days has turned into a big judgment festival where we not only lose a lot of money, but we hand over a piece of our soul as the price of admission. 

Before the date, without realizing it, most of us prep for the judgment. We know that it is coming. We are going to do it, and so are they…

When we arrive for the date everyone begins working hard to convince the other person, that we are the cat’s meow!  The stud, the miraculous one! And even though we may not be interested in them, we want to make damn sure they are interested in us…or something is then wrong with YOU!

How about instead, we focus on sharing and connecting with the human being in front of us and let love take care of itself?

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I know it sounds radical but it seems we have totally lost sight of how relationships are really created. It is not by taking our shopping list of criteria for our perfect unicorn partner to the store, and then simply purchase a relationship.  

Relationships are created by sharing ourselves with someone else and creating a connection that deepens over time. 

My encouragement is this: let’s make dating about sharing ourselves and discovering things about the other person. While we enjoy and benefit from simple human connection, a desire to deepen a connection will happen naturally as it shows us the way to an intimate relationship. 

Don’t simply look for love…be it, by building connection with others and know that...

Deep intimate love will take care of itself!

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