Dating After Divorce: Asking for What You Want

In a previous post, I shared that one of my clients had asked me, “Why is it so difficult to ask my partner for what I truly want, especially when it comes to our relationship?” This was such a great question and one that continues to arrive at my mediation door often. This topic is so important and something I'm very passionate about. I’ve updated my response and hope you find it even more valuable.

Dating After Divorce: Asking For What You Want

Asking for what you want has far more risks and rewards that just getting, or perhaps not getting, your request granted. Many of us think that we don’t even need to bother asking for what we want, because at the end of the day you believe it doesn’t matter…it bears no consequence one way or another. Perhaps you find yourself saying, "It’s no big deal," "Oh I probably won’t get it anyway," or "I will just do it myself!" Sound familiar?

Here is where I want you to picture me on a roof top shouting:

"It So Matters!"

And the risks and rewards for not asking are real. Being able to ASK is a big deal!

Not asking for what it is we want and need creates so much of our unhappiness and many of our disappointments; not only in our lives, but in our relationships with others. And this could all be avoided if we would just allow ourselves to ASK.

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ee, your ability to ASK effects your personal outlook on life, the strength of your confidence and self-esteem, and your ability to connect and share with others.

A big deal right?!  Are you surprised? And notice, none of what I just mentioned had a darn thing to do with getting your requests from asking granted or not…

Let Me Point Out 3 Biggies For You To Ponder:

-Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.- (3).png


1. Permission: Do you personally value yourself enough to even allow yourself to ask?  I had a client just recently answer this question by saying, ”I just don’t have the time.” I replied, “This is not a time thing, this is a permission thing.”  

When we give ourselves permission to ask for what it is we want and need, we demonstrate to ourselves that we indeed honor and value who we are, and what it is that is important to us. That we are willing to stand up for our personal wellbeing and seek the desires we long for. 

Essentially you are saying: I love and care about me when I give myself permission to ASK!

2. Understanding: We rob ourselves and others of understanding when we don’t ASK, as it is in the asking you reveal to others what it is you like, what it is you desire, and what it is you dream for. If we don’t ask, we are not really allowing our true selves to show up, and we don’t give others the chance to really get to know us. In the end, others do not know really how to please and love us best. Sadly, our needs and wants become less and less of a priority

We are essentially saying to ourselves and those around us:

"Don’t worry about me and what I want; because it doesn’t matter.”
"I don’t matter."
"Your agenda for life will serve me just fine."

You know what happens next? You get bitter and angry because nobody cares. Without
realizing you did it to yourself.

YOU never asked! 

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3. Your “Go for it” Attitude Dies: When you don’t feel like you can even ask for what you want, it causes you to lose motivation and zest for really going for something that really matters to you. We say all kinds of horrible things to ourselves about why we can’t have it and in the end, we just give up. All because we can’t ask for the support, the job, the money, the overall assistance that it is going to be required for us to pursue our desires and dreams.


It breaks my heart that most of us do not believe that it is okay to ask for what we want. Furthermore, we have not been taught HOW to ask for what we want. For some reason, it is much easier to express what we don’t want (our unhappiness, disappointment, or frustration) than to ask outright for what we actually desire.  

It’s usually much easier for us to define our dealbreakers, but when someone asks, "Hey, what do you WANT in a relationship?" We often become a bit speechless.  

Not being able to ask for what we want and need in a relationship is responsible for the majority of your pain and misunderstandings. 

When you do not speak up, you cannot show up.

The great news is we have got help on the way that will provided you the ability to do just that…speak up.

You simply must get started learning how to ASK for what you want. 

In addition to the steps in our guide, it’s important to keep the following two things in mind:

  • Don’t Play The Blame Game: Only YOU can know what you want. If you haven’t expressed yourself properly yet (our guide will help you if you need it), do not blame the other person for not being a mind reader.
  • Avoid The Use Of "You": Remember, this is about what you want, not the other person.  State your wish in a way that doesn’t cause your partner to feel defensive.

Imagine yourself in this situation. A person in your life frequently gives you unsolicited advice or a solution to a perceived problem. State your issue like this “I really appreciate your thoughtfulness but I really just need your empathy and a chance to vent.” How much better does that sound than “You aren’t listening to me.” or “You don’t understand me.” or “I don’t want your advice!”

Be prepared to not always get what you want. 

You know the Rolling Stones lyrics...

“You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime you find
You get what you need”

Have you ever thought about what that actually means? 

Remember, as we talked about in this post, every date and every relationship serves a purpose.
When we allow ourselves to really ask for the life we truly desire, most of the time the outcome becomes unimportant to us. 

It is in the act of asking that we validate ourselves while sending ourselves the message, “It is ok to be me, want what I want, and need what I need.” Only then can you begin to create deeper intimacy with a partner; and a potential partner gains an inside view into who you are and what truly makes your heart sing.  

This is also how you begin to teach your partner how to love you best, as you love yourself most of all!

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