"My abandonment stuff is leaking all over me, and I am working overtime to not let my new boyfriend see it; but I know it is creating distance between us Stace, and I don’t know what to do!"
"I am all over the place, and my heart is hurting for no clear reason. What is wrong with me? I have even taken time between relationships to be alone, just like the experts say to do...for the last 16 years!" pleaded my friend and client Becky.
"Do you like this guy?" I asked. "Did you have a great time with him on your weekend getaway?"
"Oh it was just wonderful." Becky started smiling and continued, "I miss the laughing, the touching, the sharing," she said as her voice trailed off and her eyes lit up.
"Did you share these feelings with him?" I asked while I was doing my best to bring her back from her weekend memories.
"Oh heavens no…I couldn't do that!" Becky boldly replied. "In fact he has called and texted several times and I have not really even responded much…I have kept our communication short and on the surface."
"If you don’t share yourself with him, how do you hope the two of you will stay connected?" I quickly asked.
There was a long pause as my dear friend gazed off into the distance…
After several minutes had passed, she softly shared:
"I am afraid of rejection, so I pulled back and closed off."
So I asked, "Do you have the courage to practice something that will really help you out?"
"Yes, yes I do!" she replied.
Are you experiencing feelings like Becky about dating and relationships? If you are, or you’re just curious, take our quiz to see if fear is keeping you from the relationship and connection you truly desire.
If you have already taken the quiz read on…
In our session that day, I shared with my friend Becky our Lease on Love CPT remedy for managing her fears of intimacy.
For my next several blog posts I will teach you what CPT is, and how it works. To start from the beginning of this four part series, click here.
I could see that Becky already had developed the C part of the remedy: COURAGE. She was willing to do whatever I asked her to do, even if it was uncomfortable. This is why courage is an important part of the remedy.
So let’s talk about the next piece of this remedy, the P.
P is for PRACTICE
The meaning of practice is:
"Practice! How in the world do you practice relationships?! And what am I going to be practicing anyway?!"
I get this response a lot.
So here is the deal. You are going to practice connection because that is what relationships are made of, and how you will be practicing is the sharing of yourself.
"I suppose you couldn’t just give me a pill for this," Becky said, while giving me a sideways wink.
"You can do this!" I reassured her. "And you will better for it. And so will your relationships. This is why your heart hurts for no reason, you're all over the place, and you are not wanting to respond to his calls..."
I winked back at her and say, "You’re not getting screwed, you’re getting better!" As a big grin emerged on my face!
I then had Becky call her boyfriend and share with him what a wonderful time she had with him that last weekend, along with the reasons she had not really been talking with him since returning home.
It sounded something like this:
“I want you to know that I had a really great time last weekend, thank you so much. It was so fun to spend some time with you." (This sharing validated for her boyfriend that she did enjoy being with him. Heaven only knows what he had been making up in his own mind as to WHY Becky is not returning his call! Probably fair to say it was not minimizing his own fears!)
"I also wanted to share with you that I have been avoiding communication with you, not because I am trying to avoid you, (which is what her boyfriend thought) but because my fears of rejection are running rampant and I didn’t know how to manage them!" (This opened up the space for Becky and her boyfriend to share their fears with each other which for both of them was far less dreadful than the fears they had individual made up about things. Her boyfriend had a few fears they explored together as well, and the whole experience deepened their connection with each other. Each of them could explore and release their fears, support and understand each other better, and let go of the imaginary fears that were keeping them from connecting and growing their relationship.)
When Becky shared with her boyfriend, it opened up the flood gates for him to let go of some fears that were making him crazy and do silly things too, like calling a hundred times...
Sharing ourselves is how we connect with another. No sharing, no connection, no relationship.
Sharing also provides us with abundant opportunities we can then explore together. Even the scary ones, which help us understand each other better.
As for Becky, she was relieved...relieved from her fears, relieved that she did not need to convince herself to end the relationship for her happiness and wellbeing. She was able to open up and receive some love.
Dating is the beginning of this practice of sharing oneself with another; and long-term relationships won’t be long-term if we don’t continue the practice of sharing ourselves.
Now, if beginning the practice of sharing yourself with another in this moment seems like more than you have developed courage for; no worries...
Develop your courage by visiting last week’s blog, and do the exercises to develop some courage…
OR your can get started with the practice of sharing yourself with others.
Like all new abilities, we are going to begin small and build from there.
And remember by diving into the practice you’re not getting screwed…you’re getting better! Sending you loads of extraordinary love that tingle your toes, and the power to create it!
Coming up in next week’s blog, the T part of our CPT remedy.
CPT is a Lease On Love practice we use with our clients for helping them manage their fears of intimacy and commitment and I am going to give you this remedy for free. Right here in the blog.
Would this blog post be helpful to a friend or family member or an old boyfriend or girlfriend? Is there someone that could use some love from you?
Please, share the love. We all need a little love and support from time to time.
Listen to the audio version of this blog here.
If you liked this post, please let us know…
Tell us and others how you liked the PRACTICE. What is happening for you by practicing the sharing of yourself? Do you feel the relief that Becky did?
Inspire others by leaving a comment down below…